i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
