Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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