I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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