My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
