i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
