I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
