last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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