I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
the raccoons are back...
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