Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
