This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
