Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
