So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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