the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
