Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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