i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
mondays should just be called national damage control day
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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