so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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