it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
