Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
