At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
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He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm like, not good at living.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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