Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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