youre lurking in front of me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
