im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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