apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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