hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you never un-have a 4some
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
