Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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