Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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