omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
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At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS