i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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