Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
