I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
