I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
