Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
