I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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