Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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