My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
