and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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