he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
