Yo dont text me then not text me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
