this beer tastes like vomit already
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
