Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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