so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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