seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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