So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
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You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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