it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
