You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sober January is a disaster.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
