why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
