She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
