I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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