i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
