You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
