STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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