My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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