Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
