apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
