Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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