i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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