There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
