I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
