Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
