and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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