i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
