Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
